Loss of a romantic other

Today's topic is in popular demand, I have been thinking of penning it down for many days now, and yes it is a part of my upcoming creative project, so will be a sort of sneak peek or preview. Loss of a romantic relationship, it can be a girlfriend /boyfriend or a 20 year old marriage, it can be due to separation of loss of life. A heartbreak as we call it can happen at any age and at any stage of a relationship. The hurt or pain felt is also relative, depending on how involved you were in the relationship, does not matter if the other person loved you or how much, the hurt will only depend on your involvement. The loss of a relationship can make you question your self-worth, because the first question after it ends is usually, did I do something wrong? Why me? Am I not enough? And especially if the person chose someone else over you. I am trying to make it as generic as possible, but the scenarios are endless and I am not a psychologist or therapist so whatever I share with you guys are totally my personal opinions and ideas. If they do not resonate please feel free to ignore. But over the years I have observed many relationships, my own as well as those around me and I am sure that relationships, especially romantic relationships, are karmic. The famous astrologer K N Rao used to say our enemies from past lives manifest as our spouse and this is because there are unresolved issues on a soul level and we are forced into a relationship with an initial attraction which at times defies logic, just so that we can sort out our differences.

Unlike Bollywood or Hollywood stories, we have multiple soul mates, not just one perfect partner. Soul contracts of all kinds attract different types of soul mates, but with each relation you discover a new side to you. They hold up mirrors in front of our psyche and at times challenge our self image. Are we really as patient as we claim to be? Are we really as accepting and tolerant as we claim to be? Remember, it is never about the other person, the other person might have been a jerk, cheated on you, spent all your money, treated you like a nobody and then walked out with a smirk, it does not matter. You heard me right, it does not matter if the other person was an angel or a devil, all failures in romantic relationships occur to make you realize something about yourself and work on it. Let us take a scenario where you cheated on your partner, and they left you, owning up to your mistake, and working on your fickle nature. Maturing to an extent when the next relation you have, you are a transformed version of yourself who realizes the true value of integrity, that is your win.

Similarly, if you were the one cheated upon and it broke you completely, yet yo0u worked on yourself, did the inner introspection to see your own strength of character. To be able to look at the situation and understand that you may have very high standards of integrity but you cannot expect everyone to follow those standards, to not become bitter and cynical but even more compassionate. To be ready to trust a new person and not be naïve or childish and say I will never trust again. This was something I heard in one of the lectures by sister Shivani from Brahmakumaris, she explains so well, that trust is fundamental for us to survive in this society, how can you work or move around in society without a level of trust, so we must trust but not keep expectations that everyone will maintain that trust, be prepared that yes trusting someone is a risk and there is a chance he/she will break your heart, but if you say I do not trust anyone because so and so broke my heart, you are a fool. Maturity is not by avoiding hurt, maturity is jumping into life with tools of surviving and thriving. I know it takes time and a lot of will but it is possible, your mind will keep going back to the ex, stalking them on social media, checking with their friends what they are doing and if they get married or move on it is another blow to an already hurting ego. We are so curious to see what is happening in that person's life and if he/she deserves what they get. But this is a futile attempt and we need to bring back the focus on the real person, you. We all begin with a baggage of insecurities about ourselves, our looks, our financial position, our social status but mostly it is our looks, Even the most beautiful person has some parts they don't like about themselves. We invariably project those insecurities on the other person and we attract people who treat us like shit. Because we are yet to discover our own value, we allow people to treat us the way they want. It need not be outright insults or physical harm, subtle undermining, being condescending, forcing things to go a certain way, subtle domination in decisions, it can be anything. It is because we do not know what makes us happy, we do not know our strength and our own flaws. A swot analysis will not help, it takes a deeper dive into our mind. Take a solo trip, find a therapist who can help you, read self-help books, attend self-improvement seminars, do meditation courses, or start a spiritual practice, all these things help us to dive within. I was once at a self-improvement seminar and the host asked us to write down 5 things that made us happy, and I swear I could not even write down one at that point, I had never asked myself that question. What do you value or what are your core values? If you do not know today it is alright, think and write them down, because if you do not know your own values what are you expecting from another person? Let me share an example, for me coming on time or respecting someone’s time is of utmost value, If I commit to meet someone at 10 AM, I will leave home after calculating the traffic and distance and ensure I reach 5 mins early, If I foresee I will be late, I message or call and inform that person in advance. I hate it when people are leaving home but on the phone tell the other person, I am just 2 mins away. For me personally, that is serious and I do not compromise on it. For someone else, it may not matter and that is absolutely fine, it is not about morality, it is what is right and wrong for you as a person. Similarly, what values are dear to you? What do you expect from a relationship? And try to steer away from intimacy, and money and look for this exercise, those are important but for this value exercise, stick to asking what values do I want the other person to respect? Before even thinking of dating again, know yourself first, rejection is a big blow to the ego, it does not matter who ended the relationship, a relationship where you invested emotions, energy, time and money did not last and that itself is a type of rejection.

I usually advice people not to rush into the next relationship, “move on” may sound cool but it is detrimental to your life, you must realize if you get into another relationship in that miserable state, you will be caught in a loop. Attracting the same kind of shitty people in some for or another, who make you feel more and more miserable. Yes the rebound sex might be great but like any addictive substance, once it is withdrawn you will feel even more miserable. Patience is your best friend, and inner work is where you will find success. Now you may say, this is not fair, I have idiotic friends who never did any inner work and yet are in seemingly happy relationships, well to that argument I have no answer, except stop looking around you, and start looking within. We are all on different stages of our soul evolution spanning thousands of lifetimes, your friend’s soul has done all the work in a previous lifetime and is much at peace now maybe, it doesn't matter. What matter is , do you prefer getting stuck in a loop or do you want to break free? Having a relationship so you can show the world that your are successful and happy externally is not going to help. Real progress is almost never visible externally. It is the bamboo shoot growing for years below the ground in silence only to rise up above the ground as a magnificent tree in a few months. We may never be in a perfect relationship and I think that should not be the goal. We should aspire for meaningful relationships, were you are walk in parallel, you should not have a need to change each other, just walk together in life, side by side. Find someone who first and foremost respects you as a person, values your presence in their life, makes time for you, shares life stories with you, wants to build memories with you rather than just buying you gifts, will not emotionally blackmail you, is not co-dependant on you, if you need to spend two days alone on a solo trip that person should have something else to do in life, being in a relationship does not mean spending each moment together. Find someone who will prioritize you, someone who does not need to check your phone or social media, someone mature enough to understand personal space, but before you begin ask yourself this question, are you ready to be all this for someone else?

Hope this gives you something to think about, the subject is too vast to cover, and hence in my upcoming literary project I will go into detail into this, I am hoping to share it with the world soon. Until then keep strong, believe in your worth to be loved and to share love, look back and analyse where you might need to improve and do your due diligence before even starting to look for love again.